Its been months since I’ve last posted. It’s been months since I’ve sat down on my bed, laptop on lap, notebook on one side and bible on the other. And it has been months since I last had answers. Painfully, I still don’t have them. I refused to blog although I had something to share. I doubted if I still have the ability to write. I avoided visiting my own page as it reminded me of one thing … That I am no longer the person with the answers, and instead I am now the one with questions I can’t answer.

I lost who I am in God. I lost who I am to myself.

Not knowing where you are isn’t the biggest tragedy. But not knowing where your going is one’s worst enemy. I was always good at pretending I’m okay, that everything is fine. And for a while I became so good at it, that even I believed myself. During my two month holiday, not once did I feel lost. I abandoned God and all that I believed in. But I never felt at loss. As long as there was something to do, I was fine. I was constantly surrounded by people and that numbed the sinking feeling. But when I came back and found myself alone, no one around, I realised that I really was lost. I severed the lifeline whom I called ‘God’ and to be honest, I didn’t know how to get it back…

I stumble more times than any of you can imagine. I thought leadership would at least bring some kind of immunity to sin and struggles. But instead I was faced with more susceptibility to failure. The past months have really been a ‘love-hate’ relationship between God and I. Not because we alternated between feeling love and enmity, but because He did all the loving while I did all the hating.

But despite my arrogance, ignorance and refusal towards God, there is one thing He never takes away from me… God never took away my ability to hear Him. This realisation brings me to tears of how outrageous His love is for me. And as if that wasn’t enough, this year He did not place expectation and goals in front of me. He did not demand some great evangelistic activity or a near impossible leadership fete. All he asked of me was this … To find myself.

To find out who I really am. Search for what makes me happy. Look for the answers I’ve always wanted to know. And to finally learn how to love myself not for who I aspire to be but for who I am now.

Lastly I’d just like to share something. On January 4th of this year, God spoke to me something which I now think wasn’t just for me. I know there’s bound to be someone who is lost and is headed for rock bottom…

Don’t look down! In every situation, simply look up. You never know what you might miss. You have faith.. don’t lose it over small things. Do the things you’ve always wanted to do your own way. Find the answers and find them well.

…

“Be patient towards all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions

themselves

like locked rooms and like books that are written in a very foreign tongue.

Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given to you because you would not be able

to live them.

And the point is to live everything.

Live the questions now.

Perhaps you will find them gradually, without noticing it,

and live along some distant day into the answer”

- Rainer Maria Rilke

Advertisement