A forgotten promise

It has been almost a year since my last post. Safe to say, I quit writing altogether. I just didn’t feel it was a season to write, so much has been happening and I just didn’t feel the urge to pen (or rather type) them down. But even in the time I didn’t write, I was so surprised to receive a few emails and messages from people whom I have never met, thanking me after reading a post they stumbled upon. I never expected the scope of my little ramblings to reach any further than myself and a few friends, so I was surprised to receive messages from New Zealand. So I’d like to say thank you!

Much of those messages came in response to a post I wrote two years ago entitled “Will you marry me?”. Girls expressing their own experiences and the hope they found in reading the story. And so I guess I owe it to them to write this post. Background story to that post, two years ago at a youth camp I encountered God in a way I never have before. It put a burden in my heart to commit myself to him completely. And yes, a part of that was a covenant. A promise to set myself apart over a certain period of time, amongst other things. It’s something I haven’t forgotten, but rarely remembered. But God works in wondrous and mysterious ways…

After giving away my bible, I reverted back to the bible I used during my highschool days for the meantime. As I was going through the verses I highlighted and scribbled notes one night, I came across Psalm 50.

“I have no complaint about your sacrifices or the burnt offerings you constantly bring to my altar.But I want no more bulls from your barns… What I want instead is your true thanks to God. I want you to fulfill your vows to the Most High…”

I’m in a really good season.. I’m thinking, feeling, interacting, loving and living in a way I never thought was possible for me. For so long I struggled to the point I was crawling the race, and so I felt so good that finally I can say that I am on my feet, up and running. I thought that was it, but as I was reading it hit me. The verse “I want you to fulfill your vows to the Most High” resonated in me, I knew he was trying to tell me something. (Shows how little I remembered or valued the promise I talk about in “Will you marry me?”) I literally had to think to myself, “What vows God?”.. Then I was reminded of my “covenant”, so I went back to that post from a few years ago. I thought, well I’ve been somewhat on track right? It really doesn’t cross my mind.. but that’s exactly the problem!

A vow is never meant to be forgotten or broken.

Two years later, I realise that it was never about anyone else but God and I. It was never about what I shouldn’t do, but what I should.. meeting with him everyday, loving him everyday. To be honest, I have failed miserably. There are countless days were I neglected him, feared him, ran away from him. The promise was never about an outrageous sacrifice but a daily commitment, and honouring that very commitment. When you were a child do you remember a time when your mum or dad promised you something? Perhaps going to the zoo or getting you that bike you’ve always wanted. But they failed to fulfill their promise.. do you remember what it felt like? It breaks a child’s heart for a parent to break their promise. But it also breaks a father’s heart for a child to break their promise. 

Do you know how much God yearns for you?

Do you know that God waits for you?

Do you know that you are always on his mind, even when he’s not in yours?

It was never about a promise concerning a time or season in the future. It has always been about a promise for each day. Not one that is broken or fulfilled by another person. But each day I fail to meet him is a broken promise. But that also means each day, I have the greatest privilege to “serve God a feast of kept promises” (Psalm 50:14 – MSG)

Oh and another thing, as I was reading the passage and just realising all these things.. I looked at the calendar. It was exactly two years since the day I made that commitment at camp! What are the chances that I would come across this on the exact day! Two years on, God is still so faithful.. even in my faults and failures.

“A promise made should be a promise kept”

- Steve Forbes

Will the sun rise?

What assurance do we have that the sun will rise tomorrow? We say things like “I’m going to do this tomorrow” or “Let’s do this the next day”, as if we have some kind of formal agreement with the sun that it shall appear or with the next day that it shall arrive. If there’s one thing Philosophy has tried to teach me, is that we can never be undeniably certain about something. And you know what, I don’t completely disagree with it. I have my fair share of doubts. Every single day I’m plagued with them, from trivial things like the train coming on time, to doubts about myself and sometimes about my walk with God.

This season, I have this odd sense of fear that I can’t seem to explain to anyone. I find myself looking for ways to avoid reading my word and spending time with God. At first I thought it was laziness or just plain stubbornness. But deep inside, I knew there was more to it than meets the eye. Just like a sunrise, that is so breathtakingly beautiful to behold but painful and overwhelming to the eyes when experienced in its fulness. I was afraid of something beautiful, I feared being close to God. I remember listening to the song “Something Beautiful” by Need to Breathe and I felt like it illustrated much of what I was feeling, “In your ocean, I’m ankle deep. I feel the waves crashin’ on my feet. It’s like I know where I need to be. But I can’t figure out, yeah I can’t figure out”. It sounds ridiculous, but I was afraid of something beautiful. I fear that if I draw close to God, I’ll find that He isn’t there. Or sometimes I’m scared to even open my Bible because I know how loving and powerful He is, that I would not be able to sustain it.

The ocean, the beach… a place that I love and is so special to me. Many of the memorable and special moments of my life has taken place there. But I feel like a little child just standing fearfully at the edge of the water, amazed by the beauty of the ocean and the waves that adorn it. God is that ocean that I am afraid to dive into. Why? It’s simple, because you can’t dive into the water without getting completely wet. I can’t come so close to God without being changed, without being loved, without being forgiven, without being completely soaked in His presence. And you might be thinking how can I be afraid of those things? I don’t expect anyone to understand, because even I don’t sometimes and I’m not writing this in attempt to figure it all out. But I think a lot of this stems from my insecurities, self-doubt and regrets.

I recently stumbled upon the story of ‘The Fern and the Bamboo’ (feel free to search up the whole story). It’s about a man who began questioning his life. God responds to his dilemma through the analogy of a bamboo and a fern, two plants that He equally took care of. Yet the fern grew quickly while there was no evidence of growth for the bamboo. Looking at myself, I often felt disappointed… I see no great big branches or intricate canopies nor more fruits than the tree itself can hold. Like the man in the story, I felt like giving up. No one knows how many times I’ve wanted to quit and just run. Those around me, have seen me laugh and smile many times but no one knows that I’ve cried twice as much as that. I’ve felt like that bamboo countless times, no growth, no change, complete and utter nothing. But in the story, God tells the man that even when He saw no visible growth out of that bamboo, He did not cease to nurture it. And finally after years of futility, a small and seemingly insignificant growth takes place for the bamboo. But soon after that, the bamboo rose to over one hundred feet tall. When everybody thought nothing was happening, it was actually growing its roots. Unseen, hidden from the world was the real growth. I realised that in all my doubts and fears, God has been helping me grow roots. Not some fancy flower for the world to see, but roots that dig deep in the ground. Faith is the root…The foundation for all branches, fruits, leaves and trunk.

 

“He will be like a tree planted by the water

that sends out its roots by the stream.

It does not fear when heat comes;

its leaves are always green.

It has no worries in a year of drought

and never fails to bear fruit”

- Jeremiah 17:8

 

Maybe it’s okay to be fearful of good things, afraid of diving into the ocean, that is God. If it weren’t the case, we’d have the whole world saved and heaven-bound. Perhaps it teaches me to value the presence of God and not to treat it as common. Nevertheless, we doubt, we fear, we withhold. For me it was that I seemed to see nothing good in myself. That I knew that God IS good, but was I? Did I deserve Him and all the beautiful things He gives me regardless of who I am? But little did I know, that in all my doubting, my roots expanded, my faith planted. How do I know this? Because if it weren’t for those roots, I would have quit ages ago, I wouldn’t be writing this right now.

Someone asked me what my ‘life song’ would be, a song that describes my life. And instantly I thought of ‘Faithful’ by Brooke Fraser. More often than not, God is silent in my life. I don’t wake up to bright neon signs and amplified sound of His direction and voice. But I guess the real test is knowing and believing that He is there regardless and to live like so.

Surely (as sure as we can be) as the sun will rise tomorrow… Doubts, fears, questions, struggles and pains will too. The verse above does not say that heat and drought will not come, but that the tree will be able to withstand all of its adversities. And most of that is not because of its leaves or branches, but because of the roots. Faith (and faith in God) is no security against storms, but perfect security IN storms (Clyde Gordon, paraphrased). Do we stretch out our hands because we know without a doubt that there is something within our arm’s reach, or is faith holding out our hands fearfully in hopes of touching God, and keeping it outstretched even when He doesn’t seem to be there.

And so, we can debate all day about the certainty of a sunrise or question my worthiness to behold God. But  I choose to place my faith not on the rising of the sun, but the maker of the sun itself. Not on the promise of another day but on the author of the next day and all the days to come. Worthy or unworthy, He makes the sun rise and allows me to live another day. And I want to live faithfully in all of those days, in both the good ones and in the bad ones.

There’s distance in the air and I cannot make it leave
I wave my arms’ round about me and blow with all my might
I cannot sense you close, though I know you’re always here
But the comfort of you near is what I long for

When I can’t feel you, I have learned to reach out just the same
When I can’t hear you, I know you still hear everyword I pray
And I want you more than I want to live another day
And as I wait for you maybe I’m made more faithful

All the folly of the past, though I know it is undone
I still feel the guilty one, still trying to make it right
So I whisper soft your name, let it roll around my tounge,
knowing you’re the only one who knows me
You know me

Show me how I should live this
Show me where I should walk
I count this world as loss to me
You are all I want
You are all I want

Faithful – Brooke Fraser

Dove’s eyes

I don’t wanna talk about you

like you’re not in the room

I wanna look right at you

I wanna sing right to you

…

Give me dove’s eyes

Give me undistracted devotion

For only you

Dove’s eyes – Misty Edwards

Doves. Pretty random. One of the last things I would be fascinated about. It’s almost like saying, lawn bowling. Yet I’ve spent around an hour searching verses, quotes, facts about them. Partly because of this new interest but also I guess to procrastinate typing up this post. To be honest, I don’t know where to start and I’ve been thinking to myself that I’ll collect my thoughts first before diving into this. But I know that’s not true, because for all the previous posts, I had barely a clue what I was going to write. This blog has become a place for me not to share, but to learn. Most of the time, I don’t receive the revelation and post it up here, but rather God reveals himself to me whilst writing it here.

This week, I was hit with a realisation about my whole entire walk with God. Its like finding out after all these years that you’re adopted, or that you’ve been living a lie. From as far as I can remember, I’ve always been a Christian. I grew up in Sunday school, church has always been a part of my life. I’ve always known Jesus and I know I’ve never turned away from Him completely. But picture this… picture yourself in a race track. You still have a long way to go to the finish line, but you’ve ran a substantial amount of distance. But instead of looking ahead, towards the finish line, your head is turned behind your shoulders. Your body is running towards the right direction, but your eyes are set on the starting line. You’re neck strained, turned to a direction opposite of your body. Both eyes looking at the distance passed instead of the kilometres ahead.

That’s how I’ve been living my Christian life. And that’s how many Christians have been running this race. Ever since I became a leader, my life has never been the same. I remember talking to someone about how leadership changes your life radically, how its difficult to even recall what life was like before. There were times when I thought of what it would be like to quit. I know many of the Gfresh leaders have at some point. I recall someone saying that if you haven’t then you must have it all easy, and now that’s a problem because its not meant to be a walk in the park. At times I ponder about how easy life would be if I was just another church-goer. But I see my girls, I see the kids we serve. And God reminds me of His call over my life, that it does not change according to my circumstance but it follows His direction. Yes, I’ve thought about it, but I know deep inside I would never go through with it. Not to be boastful (trust me, I like to point out my own faults so wait for it), but I’m not a quiter. I am too much of a melancholic to give up a task. I can strive and endure a season on my own without asking for help. My thoughts run crazy, but once I made a decision, I like to stick to it and see it to completion. And that’s how I also am with my walk with God. My emotions often rebel against Him, but the next morning I would continue following Him.

But this week, I realised that following Him isn’t enough. Reading isn’t enough. Going to church isn’t enough. Saying I’m a Christian isn’t enough. Trying not to sin isn’t enough. Leading isn’t enough. Serving isn’t enough. Running towards Him is NOT enough. Why? Because you can do all these things with your body, with your life, but your focus, your heart, your eyes the whole time could be elsewhere.

“The light of the body is the eye: therefore when thine eye is single,

thy whole body also is full of light” Luke 11:34 (KJV)

There are many reasons why we are running after God, why we are pursuing this kind of life. But many of those reasons that some of us have are not the intentions that God wants. I’ve read the Bible out of habit. I’ve been to church out of obligation. I’ve served in ministry out of character. I’ve prayed out of pure need. We always say that its the thought that counts. It is not the gift but the intention of the giver. So what does that say about you? What does that say about my whole entire walk with God?

Your body may be in church, but your focus is on the world. Your hands may be serving His kingdom, but your thoughts could be serving someone else. You could say that your life is the hands of God, but your heart could be in the hands of another. You may be running towards Him, but your eyes could be set on anything and everything but Him. My point is, that it is not just a matter of running. I don’t want to be a Christian by default.

“You have captivated my heart with one glance of your eyes”

Song of Songs 4:9 (ESV)

…

“Your task is to single-mindedly serve Christ.

Do that and you’ll kill two birds with one stone:

pleasing God above you and proving your worth to the people around you”

Romans 14:17-18 (The Message)

A dove is known to have impeccable eyesight. But the thing with doves is that they can only focus on one thing and only one thing at a time. The heart of God, is so moved and so captivated by us. But I feel as if for a long time, I’ve sat in front of God, and talked with Him but the whole time my eyes never met His. It was set on whatever distraction came my way. If you were to have coffee with someone, you would expect them to look you in the eye, to face you. If you sat in front of someone who never looked at you, with their heads turned behind their shoulders, you would think that’s rude, right? So why do we live and run this race with our eyes not on Him? Our culture dictates to us that we need to do and think and feel and focus on so many things at once. We live in a world where multitasking is a desirable trait. You see women on the streets talking on the phone, while clutching a bag, holding a coffee cup in one hand and tending to four kids. But I believe, this is not what God is after in our walk and relationship with Him. He doesn’t want us to multitask our faith. And yes, I understand that we all have busy lives. We have school, jobs, family, ministry, friends and the list goes on. But what I mean is, that at the end of the day, at the very core, the very essence of who you are only comes down to one thing. I think many of us compartmentalise our lives. We go to church for God, we serve in ministry for the people, we work to provide for our family and our needs, we study to become successful. And there’s nothing wrong with that. But at the end of it all, if you were to condense your whole life into one purpose, what would it be?

And so my question is, not how long you have been a Christian? Or what you have done for the kingdom of God? But where are your eyes set? If I was to follow your gaze, who would I find at the end of it? God or an array of distractions, ambitions and ulterior motives? Faith without actions is dead, but actions without focus (on God) is just motion. So don’t tell me where you are on a Sunday, but ask yourself… Where are my eyes set? At the end of the day, the question isn’t ‘what’ (did you contribute to church?), ‘when’ (did you start as a Christian?), ‘how’ (much money you placed in the offering basket?) but… WHO? Who are you living for? Who are you looking at? Its not just a question of whether or not your in the race. As we all know anyone can run. But the real question is, are your eyes “fixed on Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith” – Hebrews 12:2

The Sea Change

Ever heard of the phrase ‘sea change’ ? Its when a city dweller decides that they’ve had enough of the fast and chaotic pace of life. They abandon their careers, comfort and security and head for the sea. In high hopes of a new and relaxed life. Well I have no career, no mortgage, no estate, but there’s times when I wish I could do the same. I think from the time I had an independent mind, I’ve always planned out my life. From the daily schedule to the yearly goals. Being the hardcore melancholic that I am, I take refuge in knowing that I hold my own life. Many people around me, know that I am a well planned and organised person. From colour-coded study notes to my plans on what post-grad I want to do in two years time. Finish my under-graduate degree, head straight towards a masters or a doctorate. Be finished with uni by around the age of twenty-four. Hopefully be married by around twenty-seven to twenty-eight. So on and so forth. Reading it probably already tires you. And that’s exactly what it did to me. I got tired. I wanted a sea change…

But you know what, the problem wasn’t my plans, my surroundings, or the people around me. It was me. And as much as I would try to ‘sea change’ (figuratively ofcourse), it won’t change a thing. Because the problem was me. I could move as far away as I can, but I can’t run away from myself. What I needed was not a sea change, but a ‘me-change’. To change my perspective.

I would often ignore this one voice, and thought He was irrelevant to all of this. But let me tell you … God is never irrelevant to anything that you experience in life. In fact, He is more than interested in all of your business. He wanted to teach me how by the example of His life. Skepticism first kicks in… How could my own little pathetic dilemma about how I plan too much relate to His amazing mission and life?

Let me share with you how…

Even if you say you’re not well-versed with the Bible, I’m sure you’ve all heard the story of Jesus. Especially His birth. There is very little about His conception. Jesus is never mentioned as an embryo or a foetus. It is always about His birth. The bible does not contain a week by week recount of how Jesus developed in the womb. His birth was described as “…bring(ing) the prophet’s embryonic sermon to full term” (Matthew 1:23 – The Message). Jesus is the coming together of God’s plan. He is not some arbitrary person with no plan ahead. He lived His life not in rebellion or confusion to the plan set out before Him (although He had a choice whether to follow or not). If there is one word to describe what Jesus did in His lifetime , it would be to … fulfill

So how does this apply to me? … to you?

We often forget that our purpose is to fulfill a plan. We think of ourselves as our own ‘embryo’. Our own clump of cell, free to engineer and design ourselves and our lives the way we want to. Don’t get me wrong, we most definitely can! God is gracious enough to allow that. But more often than not, what results out of that is a being that looks nothing like how God intended he or she to be.

A baby is created by the genetic materials of its parents, by their ‘maker’. That baby will therefore be created in the image of its parents. But what happens if that embryo discards the genetic information it has been given? It will look nothing like its parents. Possibly, a mutant. That sounds absurd to you right? I hear you say ‘impossible!’ or ‘that doesn’t happen!’. Oh but it does! It may not be in the biological sense, but it certainly does occur. Many of us, are born with a plan. “I have it all planned out, plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for” (Jeremiah 29:11). We think of God as this man who wants dictate our lives with no mercy. That if we abandon ourselves to Him, we are bound for a boring life of nothing but church. But I love how the Message Bible puts it … “plans to give YOU the future YOU hope for”. Rejecting His plans, isn’t just denying what He wants, but what I want. He knows the things I hope for even before I started hoping.

“But Jesus insisted, ‘Do it. God’s work, putting things right all these centuries, is coming together right now…”   – Matthew 3:15 (The Message)

Many events in the life of Jesus, reiterates this. That He is the coming together of a plan. After getting this revelation I realised, I want to stop ignoring His plans and start living it out. I don’t have the whole picture. God doesn’t hand you the blueprint of your life. Jesus was not born and lead straight to the cross to save all of mankind. He went through a process. He lived a life. From the moment He was born, every day, every event, was a fulfillment of God’s plan.

Is your life a fulfillment of His plans? Or a satisfaction of your own?

Are you a confirmation? Or a contradiction?

I now take security not in planning my life ahead but in believing that God has a plan for my life. It’s not that I no longer have a choice in life. I do. But now I know, that among all the pathways that life can throw at me, I can make the best choice every time … His plans.

I’m still living in the same house as I was before. I still have the same friends and the same family. I still go to the same university and study the same things. I’m still me.. bound to get ahead of myself and the plans set out for me. But I have made my ‘sea change’ … I see that my life is not some trial and error but something beautifully planned. I see that no matter what I acquire in this world, my wealth lies in Him. I see that whatever adversity comes my way, the best is yet to come … I see a change in me …

I’m letting go

of the life I planned for me

and my dreams

I’m losing control

of my destiny

It feels like I’m falling

and that’s what it’s like to believe

so I’m letting go ….

I’m letting go – Francesca Battistelli

A song with no title

Often it is in the hardest and darkest moments that we are gifted with something we are so undeserving of. He gives you the grace to embrace the storm. The strength to withstand the wind. And the love to endure another season …

“And don’t be wishing you were someplace else

or with someone else.

Where you are right now is God’s place for you.

Live and obey and love and believe right there…”

- 1 Corinthians 7:17 (The Message)

Untitled

I search for hope in the sunrise

But I’m left waiting until the sunset

Does the fight get any easier?

Will the waves ever stop crashing?

..

But I’ll live in this lifeless season

I’ll obey even in the struggle

I’ll love until I run dry

If it means, I get to be where you are ..

Where you are, Where you are ..

..

Lighter load and easy avenues

Smoother roads and brighter days

But I sink my feet deeper in the sand

Aware that I’m choosing harder ground

..

But I’ll live in this lifeless season

I’ll obey even in the struggle

I’ll love until I run dry

If it means, I get to be where you are ..

Where you are, Where you are ..

- unknown.

Embrace the fall

Its been months since I’ve last posted. It’s been months since I’ve sat down on my bed, laptop on lap, notebook on one side and bible on the other. And it has been months since I last had answers. Painfully, I still don’t have them. I refused to blog although I had something to share. I doubted if I still have the ability to write. I avoided visiting my own page as it reminded me of one thing … That I am no longer the person with the answers, and instead I am now the one with questions I can’t answer.

I lost who I am in God. I lost who I am to myself.

Not knowing where you are isn’t the biggest tragedy. But not knowing where your going is one’s worst enemy. I was always good at pretending I’m okay, that everything is fine. And for a while I became so good at it, that even I believed myself. During my two month holiday, not once did I feel lost. I abandoned God and all that I believed in. But I never felt at loss. As long as there was something to do, I was fine. I was constantly surrounded by people and that numbed the sinking feeling. But when I came back and found myself alone, no one around, I realised that I really was lost. I severed the lifeline whom I called ‘God’ and to be honest, I didn’t know how to get it back…

I stumble more times than any of you can imagine. I thought leadership would at least bring some kind of immunity to sin and struggles. But instead I was faced with more susceptibility to failure. The past months have really been a ‘love-hate’ relationship between God and I. Not because we alternated between feeling love and enmity, but because He did all the loving while I did all the hating.

But despite my arrogance, ignorance and refusal towards God, there is one thing He never takes away from me… God never took away my ability to hear Him. This realisation brings me to tears of how outrageous His love is for me. And as if that wasn’t enough, this year He did not place expectation and goals in front of me. He did not demand some great evangelistic activity or a near impossible leadership fete. All he asked of me was this … To find myself.

To find out who I really am. Search for what makes me happy. Look for the answers I’ve always wanted to know. And to finally learn how to love myself not for who I aspire to be but for who I am now.

Lastly I’d just like to share something. On January 4th of this year, God spoke to me something which I now think wasn’t just for me. I know there’s bound to be someone who is lost and is headed for rock bottom…

Don’t look down! In every situation, simply look up. You never know what you might miss. You have faith.. don’t lose it over small things. Do the things you’ve always wanted to do your own way. Find the answers and find them well.

…

“Be patient towards all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions

themselves

like locked rooms and like books that are written in a very foreign tongue.

Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given to you because you would not be able

to live them.

And the point is to live everything.

Live the questions now.

Perhaps you will find them gradually, without noticing it,

and live along some distant day into the answer”

- Rainer Maria Rilke

The Pursuit for His Standards Part 2 : “The Crown”

Wow. I keep putting this off. I’ve had this in my heart before I even posted part 1. Its partly because it has so much weight to it personally. And to be honest, I struggle because each time I post, I am exposing a part of myself. I become accountable to every word I type. But I also felt that God had something more to add. And tonight at the leader’s prayer, hearing people’s revelations was a confirmation of what God has spoken into me.

Sorry if I disappoint expectations. But here it goes ..

” Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last; but we do it to get a crown that will last forever”

1 Corinthians 9:25

Part 1 speaks of what the standard is; pure, worthy and costly. And that everytime we come into communion we are making a declaration to live by those very standards. But I am one of the first to struggle with that. Why is it so hard to live by what those emblem represent? I know God’s standards, but why can’t I seem to take them onboard?

My questions did not return futile, God answered them. His response was “because you’re still wearing your crown…”

What could that possibly mean? You see, one of the definition for crown is, “an ornament, emblem or badge shaped crown”. Yes! who would have guessed .. Crown means emblem and emblem means standard. I was still wearing MY emblem, MY standards. God was not mistaken. Even after SOS my own standards still managed to creep into my life.

When the words ‘king’ or ‘queen’ is mentioned, I automatically expect to see a royal member wearing a crown. Royalty and crowns go hand in hand. Therefore, everywhere I go, I wear my standards. But this crown was one that does not last. My standards waver and change. What I deemed to be important today, may be useless to me tomorrow. Whether you like it or not, your flesh isn’t exactly the biggest fan of holiness.

“We fall down and we lay our crowns at the feet of Jesus … “

We fall down – Chris Tomlin

It is when we trip and fall down during the race that we question how could we have failed when we lived by ‘good standards’. It is then we see that our crowns, our standards, something we hold high on our heads belongs at the feet of Jesus. We have to place something we wear on the highest part of our body at the lowest part of Jesus .. His feet. It is because the standards that we once thought were satisfactory and pleasing when matched to Jesus actually fall terribly short. Our standards and crowns only measure up to His feet.

As a mature Christian, cursing and profanity was out of the question for me. I wouldn’t even dare to swear. Pretty good right? By MY standards yes, but not by His. Rules say do not curse, but God said speak life and not death. Your words don’t have to start with the infamous ‘f’ or ‘s’ for it to fall short of His emblem.

I can honestly say that I completely obeyed my parents when it came to dating. My 18th birthday did not only come with presents but also with the liberty to date under their supervision. Six months on and I haven’t used the privilege and I have no intention to do so for the meantime. Impressive right? By human eyes, yes but not by His. Pastor Judah Smith said this, “Dating doesn’t start when you go out on a friday night with Billy, Bob or Susie. Dating begins in the heart“. Before SOS I was proud of the fact that I met a standard that many people around me did not have. But how wrong was I. I pleased my parent’s wishes, but I had to seriously question if the contents of my heart was pleasing God.

Christians have become associated with one controversial trait .. Virginity. It has become the defining difference between you and the unsaved person sitting beside you on the train. But God’s standards far exceed virginity. He did not say “Be a virgin for I am a virgin”. He asked for complete purity and holiness. I believe virginity is just a side effect of a pure life. Your body might be clean of all sexual activity, but your heart might be contaminated by all the lust in the world.

Some of you have told me that Part 1 changed the way you view Communion. That’s awesome. But God’s standards should not only transform your 5 minutes every Sunday. His emblem should permeate your Mondays, Saturdays and every days in between. His crown should be the item of your life’s pursuit. Why? Because His crown is one that lasts forever. Your standards may alter, but His standards will stand the test of time. This race is about running after HIS crown.

But we all know kings and queens don’t live on forever. Their reign will cease and the crown shall be passed on. You and I will pass on our crowns to the next generation. Mr. Don Barrera shared with us what the meaning of “running faster than the light” means from the song ‘Run to you’ by Maiden Barrera and Murray Solomon. To run faster than the light is not just travelling a distance at a ridiculously rapid speed, but anything that can run faster than the light does not only travel distance but can travel through time. Running faster than the light means to not only run with those at your age, but to run with the vision of generations past and to impact the lives of generations future.

It may sound absurd to be saying this at my age, but I know that later on in life I and so many others will usher into this world the next generation. And for me, I want daughters that will commit to a life of purity and sons that protect and encourage those vows. What crown will you be passing on? Your crown or His?

No one runs a race with a crown on their heads. So now, its time to strip yourself off your own crown, your own irresolute and defective standards in pursuit of His crown, His standard that “will last forever” …

The Pursuit for His Standards Part 1 : “The Emblem”

At last, a short post. No essay or thesis in this one.. But it does say part 1. Which means there’s a part 2. Maybe even a part 3, 4, 5, 6. Nah, just kidding. Enough with the sidetrack, onto the post…

I’ve sinned, I sin and from my nature I can gather that I am bound to sin again. But I love God. I’ve been going to church since I was little. I’ve never been an atheist nor professed a hatred for God. In fact, the very opposite. We’re not perfect, but I’m sure the same can be said about you. Worship lyrics on your facebook status. Bible verse on your msn nickname. And for the Gfreshers, I’m pretty sure that if I opened your Bible, there tucked between the pages is a piece of paper stating your Declaration of love for God.

To be honest, those thoughts made me feel assured and comfortable in my walk. That at the end of the day, I still loved God. But during my devotions on the 21st of October, I was struck with reality, with a confronting truth.

“But you ask, ‘How have we ever despised your name?’.

You have despised my name by offering defiled sacrifices on my altar”

Malachi 1: 6-7

The word ‘despise’ also means to hate; loathe; condemn

I could say those three little words to God over and over again but if I offer something defiled and unworthy to Him, then I am essentially doing the opposite of what I say. The opposite of love.

Often in church, the bread and wine which symbolises Jesus’ sacrifice is referred to as the ‘emblem’. Every sunday, we are given the emblem. And many instances in the past, I have treated it as an antidote for my problems or just a mere representation of what was done for me two thousand years ago. However, I was intrigued by the word ‘emblem’, so I looked up its meaning. And surprisingly enough, another word for emblem is ‘standard’.

The bread and wine is a symbol of a Jesus’ pure, worthy and costly sacrifice. So every sunday we are given a pure, worthy and costly standard. The purpose of a standard is not to be displayed and just admired but to be met, to be followed. That really struck my core, that every sunday I am not only called to eat the bread and drink the wine, but every time I partake of the emblem I am agreeing to His standards. For each cup that you share and bread that you partake, you are declaring that you will live by His standards.

There were countless times when I would enter worship but deep inside I know the reality of it all. Behind the scenes, I knew that I was nowhere near living by His pure standards and instead I was offering defiled sacrifices. So now, how could I proudly profess I love God, if my actions and strive for His standards say otherwise? To love Him, is to live by His standards, His emblem.

So what IS the standard? “Be holy for I am holy”. Nothing more, nothing less. Jesus died so that we may live. And because His sacrifice is a standard that is called to be met, then that means because He died holy, then the standard calls for us to live holy.

The emblem is one that is pure, costly and holy with one motive at heart, to love. The standard calls for the same.

Part 2, coming shortly.

Will you marry me?

This is probably my 5th attempt at writing this. I’ve started several versions of this and all end up deleted. I’ve had this brewing in my heart ever since the 4th of October (Sunday at SOS). I had this photo for awhile now but never found a use for it. Why was I having so much difficulty writing this? I had to make sure I was serious about it. Beyond eloquent words, I realised that written words need to be truthful words, felt-words, lived-words.

This is very personal to me, as well as difficult to explain so I’ll begin this post with a story…

Imagine this. One windy day, a girl receives an invitation in the mail. The envelope is adorned with beautiful crystals and accented with a lilac ribbon. The papers inside are wafer thin, crisp and scented. Beside the mailbox, she opens the envelope. As she unravels the invitation, something distracts her, catches her attention. Without her noticing, the first page drops to the ground and is carried away by the wind. She tries to capture it with her bare hands, but the wind is much too fast. She glances at the pieces of paper left in her possession. “Hmmm…” she thinks to herself who’s wedding could this be. All that’s left are pages that says when and where. However, she recognises the place written on the invitation. It’s her home town. Therefore, she concludes that it must be a wedding of a distant cousin or some sort of relative. She heads back inside her house and plasters the paper on her fridge with an old magnent.

Her life goes by as usual. From time to time, she notices the invitation on her fridge door. Contemplating whether she should go or not. She hasn’t been back home for years. This isn’t the first time that home has beckoned her. But time and time again, she’s refused. “Maybe it’s time to go back”, she thinks to herself. After much deliberation, she decides that she’ll attend the wedding.

The day arrives. She dresses in her best attire and hits the road. After several hours of driving, she arrives at the church. She opens the door of her car and steps out. Looks around. Then reads the invitation carefully. She walks towards the church. Odd. There’s no one around. She looks at the invitation intently, but there’s no mistaking. This is the place and she even arrived early for the ceremony. Confused, she turns around to walk back to her car.. But she hears a sound. The door of the church creaks open.. “Maybe they’re all inside!”. She steps into the church..

No family. No friends. No bridal party. No bride! She’s starting to think this was all a joke. But from the far end of the church, a man emerges. She can’t seem to recognise His face from the distance. A song plays.. But before she could understand what was happening, the girl finds herself walking down the aisle. Bewildered, she stares at the ground. And to her suprise, there scattered, were wedding invitations. All addressed to her. Just like the one she received. She was astounded at the amount. There’s so many that she’s treading on the envelopes. But she notices that each invitation has “RETURN TO SENDER” written on it. But she has no recollection of ever receiving them.

As she reaches the end of the aisle, she lifts up her head…

She bursts into tears. Speechless. Motionless.

She looks at Him, as if they’ve met before. She looks back at the multitude of wedding invitations, and remembers receiving one many years ago. But since then, she’s never remembered it. “Yes, there’s an invitation for every single day. I’ve been sending them to you ever since.”, the man answers as if He heard the question in her mind.

Tears keep flowing. Humbled by the presence in front of her, the girl falls to her knees and sobs regretfully. The man walks towards her and hands her a piece of paper. The first part to the invitation that the girl failed to see. There written in bold, her name next to His..

“Your my bride..”

…

On the third of October, two-thousand and nine, I got married. So did many other girls. There was no flowers or extravagant decorations. On my wedding day, I wore jeans and a maroon hoodie. Make up was substituted with blue, yellow, red or green face-paint.

You see, I encountered God on that day like never before. After that day, I no longer loved God. I was IN-love with Him. I finally accepted the fact that He loves me, flaws and all. He adores me at my best and especially at my worst.

Have you seen those ‘True Love Waits’ rings? They’re usually worn in the context of a girl/guy saving themselves for that one true love. That man/woman destined for them (cheesy, I know!). Girls, let’s be honest. We usually view the verse “Love is patient” in the sense of waiting for ‘mr.right’, right? But I think what God was referring to was Himself. THE true love. I write this blog not in the context of dating or not dating, but in the spirit of what ‘True Love Waits’ really mean.

I was that girl in the story. Little did I know, that for many years God has been sending me invitations after invitations. He has been preparing weddings after weddings. But did I turn up? No. Every morning, He dresses in His finest suit. Makes His way to the meeting place, nice and early. He arranges everything, making sure all is in order. When He has assured that all it set, He stands at the end of the aisle and waits. And waits, and waits. Unlike other ‘grooms’ (relationship, money, lust, own desires) that may profess ‘true love’ to you but run the other direction when the going gets tough, this groom stands there. Time goes by, still no sign of His bride. But He never leaves, in anticipation that maybe, just maybe, she might walk through that door.

But at the end of the day, there’s still no sign of her. Does He give up? No. He grabs pieces of paper and writes with His very own hands, another invitation. He does this day in and day out. If I was to physically see the invitations addressed to me but where returned to Him, I’d own the Reflex Paper company or Hallmark.

I wondered why God uses weddings and brides as an illustration of His love and not dating or courtship. It’s because He wants all of me, ALL of you. Not just how good you look on a date or how well mannered you are during a season of courting and pursuit. I’m assuming that when you date someone, you don’t see them twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. You often see them when their at their best. Weddings are the beginning of marriages. When your married, you no longer just see the good, but you have access to what they look like in the morning or how they snore at night. God wants you in your fullness as well as your brokenness. He accepts you in your best condition and also in your lowest moments.

Also, unlike courtship in which typically the guy does all the pursuing, weddings are the act of both parties. I myself make a commitment. A vow. On the fourth of October, I felt that I needed to not only stand on the receiving end of God’s love, but as a bride, I too myself must make a commitment. I’ve stood for too long, just accepting what comes my way. Bec Tobar mentioned that there is a difference between fasting and skipping breakfast. Often people say their fasting breakfast but in reality, eating breakfast was never really an option for them. For some reason, this phrase caught my attention. It stirred up a passion in me, to really make a firm commitment to God. That I belong to Him. That when all is said and done, I will still choose Him.

There is a difference between choosing (A) when it is the only option available and still choosing A despite the fact that there is now a B, C and D.

I wanted to make that commitment known to God. I don’t want to just choose Him because He is the only feasible option in my life right now. I needed to make that vow that even when all the seemingly worthy options arise, at the end of the day, my choice remains the same.

So what does ‘True Love Waits’ really mean?.. Knowing that God prepares every single day. Dresses up in His suit and waits at the altar. I now know that everyday I have the opportunity to marry Him. To commit. To be set apart. To renew my vows daily.

Falling in love with Jesus

was the best thing I ever, ever done…

In His arms I feel protected

In His arms, never disconnected

In His arms I feel protected

There’s no place I’d rather be

Falling in love with Jesus – Jonathan Butler

Dedicated to the one that loved me first

A history too great for the books

How’s your walk with God?

Good!

How’s your family?

They’re doing great!

How’s your church?

We’re growing!

THE END.

For many people, that’s where the story ends. That’s how their life here on earth comes to a close. I use to have that “I’m doing fine, that’s all that matters” mentality. Everything is sunny and jolly! Smooth sailing.

That is so sad. If that’s all I achieved at the end of my time, then I wasted so much. All I did was bring the light that was in me and brought it to a bright place. A candle lit in the presence of light makes NO difference.

Many of us have cried for our own souls for such a long time. There’s got to be MORE. We’re like children that first enter a theme park. Amazed at the first ride we see. Satisfied at what’s in front of us, oblivious to the fact that there is so much more to it. I’d hate to live my life thinking I’ve done it all, when in fact I never tapped into the call that God had for me. For us.

Tonight, I was brought to this verse ..

” So take this seriously. The Lord has chosen you to build a Temple as His sanctuary. Be strong and do the work”

1 Chronicles 29:10

Look around you. Evil has become so rampant in our world. I see it everyday. Your day has just begun, your only on your way to work or school and yet, chances are you’ve seen something bad around you. You hear more cursing than loving. You see more promiscuity than purity. You feel more isolation than friendship. But despite all the madness in the world, it does not take away the fact that this generation belongs to God.

This IS His temple. This IS His generation. And it is our job to bring back to God what He rightfully owns.. His people.

The word ‘seriously’ means to have genuine, earnest intent. We’re not called to stand amongst the crowd just because. Exist in this generation with an intention, with a purpose. When you take something seriously, you take it to heart. It’s time that we develop a heart for this generation. A heart for the lost. A heart for the broken.

My bible is an NLT version, but it so happened that one of the girls at Torch tonight didn’t have one. So I lent mine to her. Although I still wanted to read something. However, I found someone’s tattered Bible. I think more pages were coming off than those that were still intact. But I opened it. And funnily enough I found myself in 2 Chronicles 29:10-11. But this was The Message version. It was actually Alex Jacobi’s Bible. Now I know that it’s no accident that I gave my Bible to someone else, because this version of this verse really spoke to me.

“I have decided to make a covenant with the God of Israel and turn history around so that God will no longer be angry with us. Children, don’t drag your feet in this! God has chosen you to take your place before him to serve in conducting and leading worship—this is your life work; make sure you do it and do it well.”

We are meant to live for so much more. This call is not one that you receive from a friend. You can’t just decide to whether pick it up or reject the call. It is a covenant with God. A promise to claim back His generation. To turn history around. A vow to reunite His people with Him.

“Children, don’t drag your feet in this”.. Stop being weighed down! Have you ever seen a child throwing a tantrum, rebelling against his/her parents? They conjure up every weight in their body so as to make it difficult for their parent to move them along. That’s what we sometimes do to God. We take up every weight and distraction possible and make it difficult for Him to use us. It’s time to put a stop to all rebellion. Make a heart that God can easily mould. Create a life that is easy for God to use.

“This is your life work”.. This call is not a short term assignment. It’s not even a year long thesis. It will take up your entire lifetime. I will live to see His Kingdom come. I will live to see this generation call Him ‘Father’.

“Make sure you do it and do it well”.. God is not just after your attendance. Simply turning up never changed history. He requires excellence.

Think about it carefully. There is a call. The choice is yours. And NO its not easy. Far from it. To be honest, I haven’t figured it all out. But I think I know where to start … it starts with ME. It starts with YOU. You want God in this generation, have God in you. The measure we set on ourselves will be the same measurement of what we will achieve in our generation. If I want purity restored in this generation, I myself must first live by that standard before I expect to see it in anyone else. But we only make one part of the equation. First and foremost, all this is only possible with God.

How’s your generation?